Dreams

Let’s unravel a dream I had last night. I believe dreams are so important as they are real thoughts we have, if we interpret them we could learn something about ourselves.

Some of my dreams can be amazing, like I’m floating in my best moments in my life, others can be pure pain and nightmares and some of my dreams need allot of re-thinking because I know there’s a deaper meaning.

Dreams are important to people with BPD. Some of our dreams are things we can’t think about until we are asleep and most of them have a reason for being there.

My dream last night broke my heart. To begin with I was back at my old workplace, my pet guinea pig was in her cage and my ex partner ripped her throat out. I believe this part of my dream stemed from my anxiety about being in work, my over thinking of situations when I get there or even before I leave the door. I also believe that my ex partner was there because right now he won’t speak to me as a friend even though he promised he’d never let me down and leave me on my own like everyone else. Him ripping the throat from my guinea pig was a representation of him tearing me apart emotionally, my heart being the guinea pig.

I then ended up at my old primary school to see my baby sister be amazing at bungee jumping! I’ve always wanted to do bungee jumping as part of my bucket list! Maybe this was my subconscious trying to tell me it’s time to tick it off the list. In this specific part of my dream they were experimenting with materials that could be used as bungee cord. Now my mum was there along with people in my life and friends of the family that I hadn’t seen for years, all watching and taking part in the thrilling event. As my mum is pretty fearless she decided to take a turn. I intentionally sabotaged her bungee cord and watched her plummet to a brutal death. I believe this was my subconscious telling me how much anger I have towards my mum, maybe also the fear of her dying and how I’d react and my reaction to this wash shaving my hair off. Now when I break up with guys I change my hair style, never as drastic as shaving it off, normally just dying it and cutting it short.

I woke up crying and believed to be crying in my sleep, this inevitably put me in a distressed mood. Trying to evaluate my dream to see if I was genuinely upset that I had killed my own mother. But not everything is as black and white as I normally think due to BPD. When I evaluate my dreams I cover every possible aspect of my thoughts whereas normally my thinking is very straight forward it either is or it isn’t, no maybes.

I began suffering from chronic nightmares during college. This went on for several years. Based on my experiences, it is common for people with BPD to relive traumatic memories in nightmares.

My nightmares became so bad that I was afraid to sleep. I’d stay up for considerable periods of time, sleeping only when sheer exhaustion overwhelmed me. Now I have medication to help me sleep, sometimes that scares me even more because I can’t wake myself up.

Every BPD case is different, some sleep allot to avoid day to day life and to not feel any pain and some don’t sleep at all trying to avoid the mental torture of our unconscious mind.

What do you think?