These are symptoms but my personal explanation can be totally different for someone else with my condition *do not use this to compare to someone else this is my personal explanation*

• Im constantly paranoid people will leave me, it’s an ever growing fear! I could be with someone all day everyday, partner or friend, and I’ll constantly think they won’t stick around; that something will happen to make them leave or they’ll just walk away.
• My constant fear of abandonment means i get into allot of unstable relationships and the fact that I irrationally make relationships with people that either aren’t good for me or just aren’t built to last. I push people away or smother them and generally just make it difficult to keep a relationship with people. People also don’t understand me like I need them to.
• My self confidence is so low I couldn’t give myself a compliment. This also resulted in an eating disorder as I constantly think I’m too fat. I over filter my pictures when I do take them or just don’t take any pictures at all. I don’t know my self worth and I can’t receive compliments from anyone, no matter who they are.
• So I do allot of impulsive and destructive things from jumping into relationships where I barely know the person to taking drugs. Not everything I do is intentional, infact I’d say 80% if the things I do I don’t mean for them to be destructive and I don’t realize they are impulsive until someone points it out. And those are just two examples of the things I do.
• I have self harmed since I was 11, I cut my sides; I haven’t cut my wrists since my teacher pointed them out when I was 13. I even took hiding them to the extent that I’d trace my knicker lining and cut within the lines in case someone seen while I was changing. I got a tattoo to cover it but now I just cut around it or through it because you can see the scars anyway. I use self harm as self punishment and to remind myself that I’m alive and to remind myself no one can hurt me like I can hurt myself. Watching the blood relaxes me and feels like all my bad feelings just leave my body. I see the blood as the poisonous and toxic things in my life and in myself. The more I bleed the better I feel. I think about suicide 70% of the time, again I have an eating disorder also to make my body weak so when I try to take my life my body can’t fight against it and it’s harder to save me. I’ve also tried to take my life a handful of times, my last was only a few weeks ago and I was admitted to a mental ward in the hospital as I almost accomplished what I was trying to do.
• So mood swings are a massive downside to this disorder, it effects so much of my life and relationships with people. I rapidly swing from one drastic mood to the other with no intention. The slightest thing can tip me off, but this can also make me a very fun person to be around as when I’m up I’m the most fun person you’ll meet.
• I constantly feel hollow or numb and a million other empty feelings. The only time I really feel anything other than emptiness is when I’m in love, which flutters in and out of my life frequently as I can’t keep a stable relationship. It’s hard to explain to friends and family how I feel like I’m always missing a part of me, and always feeling like I’ll never be fully satisfied with my life because of it.
• I find I get angry quick but for short periods of time. I can’t stay angry for long but when I am I’m very cold and bitter, I say and do allot of impulsive things in anger. Ive learnt I can hurt people more than they can hurt me and it’s a very toxic thing to know when I’m in the moment.
• Dissociation for me its a touchy subject as I’m a very caring, helpful and understanding person, however my actual connection with people can be different, once I shut off from something I can no longer understand or care for it even if it’s a person in my life.