Intervention

Yesterday I came to the realization of how poor my life situation actually is.

I turn 20 in a month and I have no place to call my own, no income and no family. It broke my heart to know that my 2nd cousin had more from my immediate family than I will, I’m not normally the jealous type but this really hit a nerve. I get it not everything is about money and materials but even the celebration was better than any birthday I’ve ever had! I’ve asked my family to help me with getting a place and they can’t do it but they can afford to spend £100s of pounds on a 1 year old, my mum baught her a cake and that alone cost £172, something the baby can’t eat allot of and won’t even remember. I won’t even get a card for my birthday from my mum.

I’m currently sofa surfing at a friends and I gotta say she’s an blessing. She could see I was really upset but the more she asked what was wrong the more angry I got.

After almost an hour of non stop questions from her partner, her and another of my friends they finally left me alone. I just wanted to be left to think and I do realize now they were just trying to help.

In a moment of weakness I used self harm to make myself feel better. And yeah it could be seen as a pathetic reason but my whole life I have been mistreated and I don’t understand why everyone else is so important and I don’t get a second look. I felt abandoned and unwanted and unloved. I felt invisible to my family like I always have been.

Everyone else left and I finally talked to my friend about what was going on in my head but because I was so upset I spilled everything and told her how I didn’t want to make it to my 20th birthday. In fear and heartbreak she called the crisis team at my hospital. Of course I agreed to see a doctor because I couldn’t bear to see her worried or scared but I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to sit there and feel like a crazy person or just be pushed to one side again. There’s a constant fight with myself about getting help and just ending all of my suffering quickly.

4 hours in a hospital and I finally get let go as long as my friend felt like she could take care of me. The doctor didn’t give me any advice, just to get a good night sleep, he listened and took everything in and I think that’s what I needed, to see someone actually listening and paying attention. I guess that’s why I started blogging, because I needed to get my story out there.

I want to help people get to understand the conditions they have and maybe even help people understand those with the conditions, give them insight to what it might be like to live with the conditions. I believe if I help people, I have a purpose and I know what it’s like to not understand what’s wrong with yourself and I very much know what it’s like to not understand what’s wrong with someone else close to you.

Stay tuned for more adventures.