Abandonment

So following my BPD diagnosis I’ve recognized that I have abandonment issues, inevitably. I struggle day to day with making relationships with people in fear that they will leave my life and I became crazily attached to people trying to keep them by my side.

I have never really had someone stick around in my life, I mean com on? My own mother hasn’t stuck around! I guess that’s why when someone does leave it breaks me so much. I guess that’s why people call me obsessive, I just can’t find a middle ground for my emotions.

I believe everyone will eventually disappear with or without a reason and I believe 80% of the time it’s my fault but I have no idea what I do to push them away so much.

Take for instance this one person in my life, we talk everyday and I hopelessly hang off their every word. I know when there’s a change in their mood and that’s what causes me to ask if they are okay, I notice the little things. I always want to see them even though I know I cant. I don’t know what I’ve done but they have become really distant and it is driving me crazy. Is this the start of them fading away even though we were doing so well? Or are they just busy? I feel myself becoming paranoid again but am trying so hard not to do or say anything to tip them off, paranoid that I’ve just lost another good person in my life. I can’t tell the difference but I know there’s something that’s causing them to be this way with me. Maybe its realization that our lives just don’t match. Something that I realized a long time ago but ignored because I loved what we had. I’m trying to decide if this is it, if this is the end of such a good friendship, I’m trying to figure out if there ever was anything on their side, or was it just out of pitty because I was so ill when our friendship started properly. I know I’m over thinking this so much and I could have it all wrong but I thought this was going good, can I get this back? Or it this forever now?

My heart aches because I desperately want the attention of a friend, or even just a friend that stays. I feel like I’ve lost a part of me every time someone leaves, I feel like I’m not good enough or I’m just not the kinda girl people want around.

My constant fear of abandonment disrupts my whole life because I fear letting people in, I don’t want to lose them in the first place. I just wish someone would stick around no matter how difficult it got, no matter how difficult I got.